LGBT and Child Therapist
in Los Angeles
Couples Therapy in Los Angeles and Online
Couples come to therapy for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, it's a stressful decision and a stressful time and a lot of emotions are involved. Other times it might be proactive or for maintenance.
Whatever the circumstances, the most important first step in our work together is collaboratively defining the problem or issue you want to work on.
Together we will look at how your relationship is being supported by the 3 parts of love and what type of relational conflict is most common in your relationship.
3 Parts of Love
Sternberg created the Triangle of Love Theory in 1986, in that love is composed of three elements: passion, intimacy, and commitment.
Passion includes physical and sexual attraction, elements of romance, and it feels arousing. It's usually strongest at the beginning of a loving relationship.
Intimacy includes emotional closeness, connectedness, and it feels like warmth. It's something one might have to learn and practice if one didn't grow up talking about one's feelings.
Commitment includes acknowledging and maintaining love and it can feel like safety. It's a cognitive choice to nurture the relationship.
What parts of love do you feel are strong in your relationship? What parts do you want to strengthen?
Depending on what parts of love are strong and/or present, you might be feeling something other than consummate love, which includes all 3 parts of love.
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Infatuated love = passion only
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Liking love = intimacy only
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Empty love = commitment only
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Companion love = intimacy + commitment
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Fatuous love = passion + commitment
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Romantic love = intimacy + passion
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Consummate love = passion + intimacy + commitment
4 Types of Conflict in Relationships
There are 4 common types of conflict in relationships. Identifying which one is most common in your relationship can help to focus on how to resolve the specific type of conflict.
Task conflict is a difference of opinion on WHAT the job is, WHO should do it, or HOW it should be done. The importance of working through this type of conflict is taking out the emotion and working through the task rationally and identifying if any of the other types of conflict are also at play.
Hierarchy conflict is based on unconscious or unspoken imbalances in equality in a relationship. Equality with everything is not the goal, rather consciously choosing when things are unequal. When imbalances exist that were not decided consciously and collaboratively between partners, conflict can occur. These inequalities can exist in several different areas of the relationship such as money, sex, housework, parenting responsibilities, etc. It's important to bring these unspoken inequalities that might underlie conflict into the open and discuss them.
Personal conflict is when the argument becomes about the character of the other person. This goes beyond the first two types of conflict (being the disagreement is about a task or a splitting of a role) and has escalated to become personal. Working through this type of conflict can be difficult and we look at why things are escalating to personal and how to de-escalate to the underlying conflict.
Anxiety-based conflict is often more subtle to discern, because the underlying issue is that one or both partners feels insecure in the relationship for a variety of reasons. The insecurity could stem from not feeling appreciated, feeling inadequate in meeting the needs of your partner, not getting approval from your partner, or not getting enough attention from your partner. These are important issues to talk about, but can be difficult to express. We will work together on processing what these feelings might mean in your relationship and ways to relieve the anxiety.